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By Christine Murray As I write this, I find myself in a state of transition with at least two major changes happening in my life. First, I’m making a major career move, preparing to retire after 19 years in my role as a university professor at a local state university. This shift marks the beginning of a new chapter in my professional journey that I’m very excited about, but also sad to be leaving behind many colleagues and parts of the work that I’ve enjoyed. And second, as mom to two teenage boys, I’m navigating a big upcoming transition as my older son starts to prepare to move away to college in the next year or so. The reality of college tours, SAT and ACT testing, and planning for his future is really sinking in. These life changes represent huge shifts in my life, and I feel all the feelings—including excitement, joy, pride, sadness, and fears—as I embrace these new beginnings. When I think about the positive parts of these changes, I get filled with excitement and anticipation. However, alongside these feelings, there’s also an undercurrent of grief to be leaving behind the current and soon-to-be-past stages of life. In addition to the mix of excitement and sadness, there are lots of other emotions, such as worries about finances, uncertainty about changes to the family dynamic, and more. I remind myself that it's okay and entirely normal to navigate a mix of conflicting emotions when facing new changes in life. In this post, I’m sharing some of my reflections on navigating these seemingly conflicting emotions. By sharing my experiences, I hope that readers can relate and also find greater peace in knowing how normal it is to face mixed feelings when facing new starts in life. Mixed feelings can show up in different ways at different times during seasons of change. Sometimes, complex emotions can feel like juggling an armful of basketballs, each representing a different feeling. Try and picture it: You’ve got your arms full with these big balls of emotions, with a mix that might include happiness, sadness, excitement, grief, and more. How do we even start to sort through all these feelings when they feel like so much to hold on to? When lots of feelings come up at once, we can’t always focus on feeling just one at a time, but instead we try to navigate our way through many feelings at once. This can be overwhelming and challenging, especially when trying to make sense of conflicting emotions like feeling happy and sad at the same time. When I’ve faced arm-full-of-basketball feeling moments, practicing self-compassion has been incredibly helpful for me. By practicing self-compassion, I allow myself to sit with all my emotions, processing them without judgment, and reminding myself it’s normal to sometimes be holding onto many "basketballs" at once. Through practicing self-compassion, I've learned I don't have to throw away challenging or complicated emotions to focus solely on the positive ones. While it can be tempting to quickly throw away difficult feelings and cling to positive ones, I've come to realize the value of embracing a full range of emotions. It's important to celebrate successes, excitement, and positivity, but it's equally necessary to give space for uncomfortable emotions to be processed and felt fully. Sometimes emotions feel like an armful of basketballs, and at other times they feel more like an overwhelming wave of one deep emotion at a time. Mixed emotions can also show up during seasons of change like waves of intense emotions, one at a time. At one moment, a thought or external signal (e.g., a song that comes up on the radio) can give rise to one intense feeling, such as if that song brings tears to your eyes as you think about something you’re giving up as you move on from a past season of life. And then in another moment, you may be hit with an intense rush of joy and excitement about something you’re really looking forward to in the new season. What's interesting when emotions come along in intense waves is that other feelings seem to take a backseat in these moments. It’s almost like there’s a bright spotlight shining on one set of emotions while the rest fade into the background for the moment. These emotional spotlight moments can give us an opportunity to really hone in on processing that part of our emotional experiences. Chances are, the other emotions will come back around again, but when you’ve got waves of one emotion, take time to process it in a healthy, meaningful way. We can be intentional in navigating complex emotions during seasons of change. It’s important to recognize if intense (and especially distressing) emotions become overwhelming and start interfering with our lives and relationships. Seeking support from a trained mental health professional can be incredibly beneficial in navigating mixed emotions during times of change. In the Other Resources section of this website, you can find databases to search for a mental health professional in your area who can provide support tailored to your unique needs and experiences. Remember, reaching out for help is a proactive, courageous step to take. Processing complex emotions during new beginnings often involves a lot of self-reflection and seeking support, whether through counseling or other personal supporters. Here are three of the main strategies I've personally found to be helpful:
Each person will have a unique set of coping and emotional processing tools that work best for them. What’s most important is finding what will work for you, recognizing that mixed emotions are a natural and healthy part of navigating change, and making space to process your feelings in a way that feels healthy and productive for you. Overall, if you're starting out on new beginnings in your life, it's normal to experience a mix of emotions. Some feelings are exhilarating, whereas others can feel quite uncomfortable. Seeking support from trusted professionals, friends, or family members can be immensely helpful as you navigate these emotions. And, on a personal level, embracing and processing the full range of emotions that comes with change can go a long way toward moving into a new season with clarity and purpose.
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I ♥️ Therapy: Reflections on the Value of Counseling (From a Counselor Who Has Also Been a Client)4/22/2024  By Christine Murray About a month ago, I wrote a blog post here in which I shared my thoughts on the value of online therapy. After writing that post, I got to thinking about the bigger picture and wanted to share some reflections on the value of therapy in general–whether it’s online or in person. Therapy or counseling (I’ll use those terms interchangeably throughout this post) with a trained mental health professional can be incredibly valuable in navigating life's ups and downs, fostering lifelong personal development, promoting overall well-being, and expanding your self-awareness and growth. I write these thoughts from the perspective of someone who is both a licensed mental health professional and someone who has sought counseling as a client. Having experience in the client role has provided me with valuable insights into what it's like for clients. Did you know that some mental health professional training programs actually require graduate students to seek counseling as a client as part of their training? Although that was never a required part of my training experiences (either as a graduate student or a professor), I know that my own experiences as a client have benefited my life and helped me understand the overall value of counseling at a deeper level. As I reflect on the immense value of therapy in both my professional and personal life, here are five key benefits that highlight its impact on personal growth and well-being.
I’m sure you can tell: I am a huge fan of counseling! As someone who has been in the mental health field for over two decades, it’s truly thrilling to witness the growing acceptance and reduction of stigma associated with seeking counseling in today's world. More and more people are recognizing the value of seeking help from trained mental health professionals, and this positive shift is paving the way for greater well-being and personal growth. Overall, counseling is a valuable resource that supports growth, healing, and insight. I’ve witnessed its value throughout my career, as well as through my own personal experiences as a counseling client. While counseling certainly is not the only path to personal development, the therapeutic context it provides can be incredibly beneficial in living a fulfilling and aware life. How Lighthouses Remind Us to Keep Our Envisioned Future in Mind When We’re Just Starting Out4/15/2024 By Christine Murray A few weeks back, my son went on a middle school trip to the Outer Banks, and he shared this amazing picture of the Bodie Island lighthouse they visited on this trip. What a shot!  I’ve always thought lighthouses have so much symbolic power. Seeing the photo from my son’s trip got me reflecting on how lighthouses are often beautiful to look at, but their main purpose is full of utilitarian value. If you’re the crew of a ship that is trying to find its destination, especially in the midst of stormy or turbulent conditions, the light provided by a lighthouse could be the one thing that guides you home. The light of a lighthouse provides direction, clarity, and focus, even if your ship steers off course or needs to first navigate in a different direction before ultimately heading toward your destination. My counseling and consulting practice focuses on the theme of “start here” and aims to offer support as people and organizations start and follow through as they move toward changes they would like to see. So, this lighthouse picture was a reminder to me about the importance of keeping our desired future destination in mind, even when we are just starting out. As a long-time fan of Stephen Covey’s book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, one of my favorite habits is #2: Begin with the End in Mind. A lighthouse is a powerful visual image of the principle behind the habit of beginning with the end in mind. Lighthouses remind us that we are more likely to reach our desired future when we have clear sight of that future vision guiding us along the way. When you’re setting out on bringing about some change in your life–personally or professionally–try to spend time at the beginning to build as clear of a vision as possible for what you hope to see in the future. You might do this by journaling, taking time for quiet contemplation, doing a vision board, or–if it’s a team-based work project–brainstorming alongside your team. Any time you can build a clear, compelling vision for your desired future, you can use that vision to help map your path along the way. But, let’s be honest: Sometimes (if not most of the time) in real life, we may be setting out on a new change and not be totally certain where it’s going to take us. I’ve experienced the confusion of new beginnings in different areas of my life, including my personal life and in my career. I’ve had times when I’ve sensed it was time for a change, but I didn’t know exactly where that would lead me. The feeling of needing change but now knowing what kind of change can be very disorienting! Even when we’re embarking on a new change, but aren’t sure exactly where it will lead us, the image of a lighthouse offers some comfort. When a ship is far off from the lighthouse, the lighthouse just looks like a faint light in the distance. The ship can move toward the light, without knowing exactly how the lighthouse is going to look when it gets up close. If your exact vision for the future isn’t yet clear, you can still think about your guiding light as your values, priorities, or even just the feeling you know you want to have in the future once you’ve made progress toward your desired changes. Chances are, you know at least some things that are highly important to you (e.g., that you want to feel at peace, that you hope your relationships are more harmonious, or that your organization is making a bigger impact). These values can serve as your personal lighthouse while you start making decisions and moves to get closer to bringing them to life. And, keep in mind that the clarity of the lighthouse that’s reflected in the photo from my son’s trip would only be possible once you get closer to your envisioned future. You can trust that, as you make meaningful steps toward the changes you’d like to start, your own vision of how those changes will turn out will become more clear. And PS - If you end up not liking the first lighthouse where you end up, remember there are lots of other lighthouses you can explore as well! Growth and change can be an ongoing process, and you can continue to keep sailing until you reach the future that feels just right for you.  By Christine Murray Life often surprises us with beauty in the most unexpected places. As I sit down to write this blog post, I’m just getting back from a nice long walk. Since it’s springtime, walks these days can be extra pretty with all the new flowers in bloom. One section of my walk today took me by a little stream that was surrounded by lots and lots of bright yellow flowers. The flowers were so pretty I had to take a couple of pictures:   Drawn in by their cheery petals and how many there were, I became curious to learn more about this flower, so I pulled up my Google app and did an image search. It turns out that this flower is called the “Fig Buttercup.” And as pretty as the Fig Buttercup looks, it turns out that it’s an invasive plan that has been described as “aggressive,” “a problem,” the “least wanted in the Duke Forest,” and especially complicated because it is “innocent-looking.” Yikes! Beauty can, indeed, be deceiving!
As a true nature lover, I hope that people will follow local guidelines to report sightings of this beautiful but problematic plant (in the Triangle region of North Carolina, there’s even a reporting system through iNaturalist that feeds into an interactive map of Fig Buttercup sightings!). At the same time, when I learned about the true nature of the Fig Buttercup, I couldn’t help but reflect on how sometimes we can find and appreciate beauty even in the unexpected situations and circumstances of life. I would guess almost every single person has experienced an unwanted circumstance in life. It may be a relationship breakup, job loss, unexpected family conflict, health crisis, or even just daily hassles like a traffic jam. I know I have had my fair share of unwanted circumstances in life! For some of these unwanted circumstances, there truly are no silver linings to find, and life can be very difficult at times. It would be toxic positivity to overlook the negative aspects of challenges in life or deny our emotional reactions to them. The Fig Buttercup is a reminder of this point as well - Invasive plants can cause a lot of problems if they’re not effectively managed. And yet, often we can identify some beautiful aspects, even in the midst of really challenging times. For example, going through a major life challenge might help you see more clearly the people who will stand by your side through thick and thin. Or, a painful, unwanted experience might be just the “last straw” you need to finally start to make a desired change in your life that you’ve been putting off for a long time. When facing difficult times, it can be helpful to embrace ambivalent, mixed feelings as they arise. For example, you might remind yourself, “This is really painful, and I also can see how it’s showing me how strong I am and how much I have support from really good friends in my life.” Likewise, we can embrace the reminder of the Fig Buttercup: “This plant can cause a lot of problems, and I can also smile and enjoy the pretty yellow colors for this moment.” So, if you happen to find yourself out walking this time of year, and a pretty but unwanted plant or weed catches your eye, consider taking a brief moment to appreciate the reminder of the beauty that sometimes can be found in even the most unwanted situations in life. Next time you encounter an unwanted situation, take a moment to look for the beauty within it. You might be surprised by what you find. |
AuthorThis blog is written by Christine E. Murray, Ph.D., Founder of Start Here Counseling & Consulting, PLLC. Archives
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Unauthorized use and/or duplication of any material found at this web-site without express and written permission from this site’s owner is strictly prohibited. Unless or until a counselor/client relationship is established in writing, please note that the website for Start Here Counseling & Consulting, PLLC, is not a resource for providing personalized advice or guidance for any individual or organization, either through this website or any associated communication challenges that include but are not limited to social media, emails, or direct messages. Start Here Counseling & Consulting, PLLC, also is not a crisis response resource. Please visit our Other Resource page for additional information, including 24/7 support resources related to domestic violence and mental health.
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of any material found at this web-site without express and written permission from this site’s owner is strictly prohibited. Unless or until a counselor/client relationship is established in writing, please note that the website for Start Here Counseling & Consulting, PLLC, is not a resource for providing personalized advice or guidance for any individual or organization, either through this website or any associated communication challenges that include but are not limited to social media, emails, or direct messages. Start Here Counseling & Consulting, PLLC, also is not a crisis response resource. Please visit our Other Resource page for additional information, including 24/7 support resources related to domestic violence and mental health.