Blog Archives

You Can’t Make the Shots You Don’t Take

5/27/2024

By Christine Murray

This spring, I found myself on the sidelines of soccer fields quite often, cheering for my sons and their teams in their rec league games.

I’ll confess I used to think soccer was a boring sport to watch since it’s typically quite low-scoring. However, as I’ve learned more and gotten more into soccer, I’ve come to love it, and I’ve already realized it is exciting in part because scores can come few and far between.

Throughout this past spring season, one thing that stood out to me a lot was how many moments there were when a player, seemingly in a difficult position to score, would hear a chorus of "Shoot! Shot! Go for the goal!" from coaches, fans, and teammates. From my vantage point on the sidelines, shooting from far away, or from a bad angle, or with a swarm of defenders around the player with the ball seemed like a risky, unwise move. Why shoot if there’s very little chance of the ball going in?

At some point during the season, the Wayne Gretzy quote, “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” came to mind. And I realized that I was seeing this quote play out in action on the rec league soccer field. In life and in sports, you really can’t make the shots you don’t take. Sometimes, it’s best to take the shot and see what happens, even if success feels like a long shot.

This idea resonated deeply, especially as I reflected on my focus with building Start Here Counseling & Consulting around supporting people and organizations navigate new changes in life and in their organizations.

When we’re starting something new, we often strive for the perfect setup, waiting until we feel likely we’re in position for guaranteed success. And yet, we can learn something from taking seemingly-risky shots on the sports field: Sometimes, we just need to go for it, even when things don’t feel like they’re lined up perfectly.

Sometimes, long shots surprise us and find the goal. And, waiting for a perfect moment may mean waiting indefinitely, missing out on potential successes along the way.

Adopting a go-for-it mindset can fuel our journey when starting something new. Players and teams who hold back, waiting for ideal conditions, often find themselves lagging behind. The truth is, circumstances may not ever line up perfectly, and waiting for guaranteed success can lead to missed opportunities.

I encourage you to consider the “shots” you might be holding back on taking toward your goals or other changes you’d like to see in your life. Embracing an approach to taking shots before all the conditions are perfect not only opens the door to potential success, but it also builds our resilience in facing disappointments. Just as soccer players learn to brush off missed goals and keep playing, we too can learn to navigate setbacks without losing sight of our goals.

Finally, the game of soccer also reminds us of the importance of surrounding yourself with supportive individuals who cheer for your attempts, not just your outcomes. Whether it's joining a supportive community, leaning on close friends and family, or seeking guidance from professionals, having the right support can make all the difference as we move toward positive changes in our lives.

Throughout this coming week, I encourage you to consider taking a shot at something you've been contemplating, even if it feels like a small step forward and you don’t feel totally ready. Embrace the journey, celebrate the attempts, and practice self-compassion regardless of the outcomes. Here's to taking the shots that lead us closer to our goals and dreams!

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How to Process Fears When You’re Starting Something New

5/20/2024

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By Christine Murray

There's nothing like starting something new in life to bring up lots of fears! Does this sound familiar: You’re starting on a new chapter, whether in your life or career, and suddenly you find your mind brimming with various fears that visit you throughout the day, and often throughout the night as well?

It's entirely normal to experience a lot of fears when we’re on the brink of a new chapter in life. These fears can range from the fear of the unknown to fears of failure or success, fear of judgment, financial worries, decision-making anxiety, and unique personal fears specific to your situation.

Acknowledging and addressing our fears is important, although it can be challenging. Our fears, by their nature, can bring up strong emotional reactions like worry, stress, sadness, and even discouragement. Fears can be uncomfortable and daunting to face, so it’s understandable when we are tempted to ignore or suppress them.

However, managing and working through our fears is a key to avoid derailing our plans or hindering our progress toward our goals and desired changes in life. Although it's normal to want to appear (to ourselves and others) brave or to avoid our fears altogether, facing and processing them is a healthier approach.

Our fears can actually be powerful tools if we learn to navigate them effectively. They can serve as inner guides, highlighting areas where we should be cautious and proactive as we move forward into the unknown. While fears can feel overwhelming, they often point us toward realistic concerns that we can use to help us make plans and backup plans as we strive toward our goals.

One way to approach our fears when starting something new is by appreciating them as a form of guidance. Viewing fears as signals that prompt us to take precautions or consider alternative pathways can shift our perspective. We can strive to balance caution with courage, all while taking calculated risks and stepping outside our comfort zones as we remain mindful and proactive.

Some helpful tools for processing fears in a healthy manner include the following:

Normalize and Validate Your Fears: Remind yourself that feeling fear in unfamiliar situations is normal. Validate your feelings, and honor both your excitement and fear without judgment.
Listen to Your Fear: Reflect on what your fear is trying to communicate. Identify underlying concerns and consider if there are valid steps you can take to address them proactively.
Process Secondary Emotions: Fear often triggers secondary emotions like anger, irritability, or sadness. Acknowledge these emotions and find healthy outlets for them, such as journaling or talking with a trusted friend or family members to express and understand them.
Release Physical Tension: Physical activities like exercise, yoga, or relaxation techniques can help release stress and tension associated with our fears.
Seek Support: Consider seeking professional support or connecting with supportive peers or groups facing similar challenges. Visit our Other Resources page for some links for seeking support. External validation and shared experiences can offer valuable insights and encouragement as you navigate your emotions when you’re starting something new in life.

Embracing fear as a guide rather than letting it overpower us can lead to healthier decision-making and progress as we’re moving into uncharted territories in our lives. By acknowledging, examining, and working through our fears, we can approach new beginnings with resilience and a balanced mindset, so we don’t allow our fears to derail us but instead to serve as a compass for growth and positive change.

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What if…Something Amazing Is About to Happen? Challenging Negativity Bias and Believing in the Possibilities

5/13/2024

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By Christine Murray

Recently, I created an image similar to the one below and set it as my phone screensaver:

The message, "Something amazing is about to happen," had started bouncing around in my mind, so I decided to place it where I'd frequently be reminded of this positive outlook. As I've mentioned before, I'm currently navigating some major “fresh starts” in my family and career, and these new beginnings in life can definitely add to a lot of uncertainty and stress.

If you’re like me, you may find yourself during seasons of change–or even just when facing everyday stressors–asking yourself, “What if…?” and then filling in the blank with any number of possible negative outcomes that might come along.

What if…this goes wrong?
What if…it's too expensive?
What if…I make a big mistake?
What if…other people judge me negatively because of something that happens?
And the list could go on and on!

This negative thinking pattern, while sometimes useful for anticipating and preparing for challenges, often leads to unnecessary stress and rumination over potential negative outcomes. Quite often, these imagined negative outcomes either don't materialize or aren't as bad as we imagine when we’re dwelling on possible negative scenarios.

Negativity bias is a common cognitive bias that refers to a natural human tendency to focus more on negative information and possibilities than positive ones. While this bias can be helpful in the sense that it’s geared toward self-preservation, it can also hold us back, especially during new beginnings or challenges. If we get too overwhelmed by imagining possible negative outcomes, we may give up or not even try to move toward the positive changes we want to see in our lives.

One valuable tool we can use when we start to face excessive stress and worry because we’re envisioning possible negative outcomes is to balance our thinking with positive possibilities. Instead of solely focusing on what could go wrong, we can ask ourselves:

What if…this goes right?
What if…things turn out even better than I could imagine?
What if…I do well?
What if…something really great and surprising happens that I never would have seen coming?

Balancing negative scenarios with positive ones doesn't mean erasing all negative thoughts. Instead, it involves being mindful of when negative biases influence us and actively imagining positive outcomes. This practice can support our growth and resilience, as well as our persistence when we are facing challenges or worries as we are setting out on new beginnings in life.

Here are four tools to practice challenging our negativity bias and embracing positive possibilities:

Practice Mindfulness: Mindfulness means paying attention to our present experiences, including our thoughts, emotions, and physical experiences. If you notice yourself imagining negative outcomes, mindfulness can help you to notice them without getting swept up in them. Try observing your thoughts as they come along, as well as noticing the feelings they are bringing up.
Challenge Negative Scenarios: When you start to imagine negative scenarios or thoughts, gently challenge them by playing them out. You might try considering the actual likelihood of these scenarios happening and then thinking through what that would really be like. For instance, if you're worried about making a mistake, you can think through what would happen if that mistake occurred and how you would handle it. You may realize that even negative outcomes may not be as bad as you’re imagining, or at least that you could figure out how to navigate them if they do happen.
Imagine Best Case Scenarios: Alongside challenging negative scenarios, try to train your brain to also envision positive or neutral outcomes. This involves focusing on potential best-case scenarios that are in alignment with your goals and values. For example, instead of dwelling on a possible worst outcome, imagine what would happen if things went well, as well as how success would look and feel. By also using your imagination to envision positive outcomes, you are building your capacity for good things to come your way to embrace and enjoy.
Implement Supportive Mechanisms: To reinforce positive thinking and counter negativity bias, it's helpful to put supportive mechanisms in place. These can include using visual cues or positive affirmations as reminders of your optimistic mindset, just like my “Something amazing is about to happen” screensaver that I shared at the start of this post. Other examples might include placing motivational quotes or affirmations in visible areas or seeking professional support, such as counseling or coaching, to develop strategies and tools to address and overcome negative biases effectively.

Whether you're embarking on new beginnings or in a season of stability, building a mindset that creates space for imagining positive outcomes can enhance your resilience and overall well-being. Embracing the possibility of positive outcomes doesn't ignore challenges, but it can help you cultivate greater resilience and openness to embracing the positive things that may come your way, now or in the future.

Above, I shared a positive “what if” statement that’s been on my mind lately: “Something amazing is about to happen.” If you have other examples of positive “what if” statements that are meaningful for you, I invite you to share them in the comments below!

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What is Mental Health Anyway?

5/6/2024

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By Christine Murray

Since 1949, May has been recognized as Mental Health Awareness Month. Throughout my own career in the mental health field (I started graduate school to become a counselor back in 2000), one of the most exciting advances I’ve seen has been greater awareness and decreased stigma around mental health issues.

I believe the COVID-19 pandemic accelerated these advances, in large part because the challenges surrounding the pandemic made it harder to ignore how many people grapple with mental health symptoms. In addition, the stressors associated with isolation, economic challenges, and other pandemic-related factors contributed to mental health struggles for many people of all ages.

Still today, we are facing a national mental health crisis in the United States (see this article from the Pew Charitable Trusts and this report from Mental Health America for more information). This mental health crisis is made even more serious due to shortages of qualified mental health professionals in many communities (see this report from The Commonwealth Fund and this summary document from the National Institute for Health Care Management for more information).

These days, it seems mental health is a hot topic on the minds of individuals, families, communities, service provider organizations, and policymakers. The term mental health comes up frequently in news reports, social media, and in everyday conversations about how to best support people facing mental health struggles.

And yet, how often do we (even those of us who are mental health professionals) take a step back and reflect on what “mental health” even means. Often, when people are talking about mental health, they’re actually referring to mental health symptoms or viewing mental health from more of a problem-focused lens.

To offer some insights into what mental health actually means, in this post I’ll share some resources and information that I have shared with students and trainees who I’ve taught in the past graduate-level courses and professional development programs.

Let’s start by looking at a few formal definitions of “mental health”:

Merriam-Webster: “The condition of being sound mentally and emotionally that is characterized by the absence of mental illness and by adequate adjustment especially as reflected in feeling comfortable about oneself, having positive feelings about others, and being able to meet the demands of daily life.”
The CDC: “Mental health includes our emotional, psychological, and social well-being. It affects how we think, feel, and act. It also helps determine how we handle stress, relate to others, and make healthy choices. Mental health is important at every stage of life, from childhood and adolescence through adulthood.”
World Health Organization (WHO): “Mental health is a state of mental well-being that enables people to cope with the stresses of life, realize their abilities, learn well and work well, and contribute to their community…Mental health is more than the absence of mental disorders. It exists on a complex continuum, which is experienced differently from one person to the next, with varying degrees of difficulty and distress and potentially very different social and clinical outcomes.”
American Psychological Association: “Mental health is a state of mind characterized by emotional well-being, good behavioral adjustment, relative freedom from anxiety and disabling symptoms, and a capacity to establish constructive relationships and cope with the ordinary demands and stresses of life.”

Across the various definitions of mental health, we can see several common themes, which I’ve summarized in the graphic below that is adapted from a teaching resource I’ve shared with students in the past:

I love looking at mental health through this comprehensive lens because it shows how mental health is a layered construct that impacts our well-being in different areas of our lives.

So how is our mental health impacted when we experience mental health symptoms, such as anxiety, mood swings, or a loss of interest in normal activities? Well, it’s important to remember that mental health can be considered along a continuum, such as the following:

As staff from the Mayo Clinic state, “What's the difference between normal mental health and mental disorders? Sometimes the answer is clear, but often the distinction isn't so obvious.” The lines between having sound mental health and experiencing a diagnosable condition is often quite blurry.

Mental health symptoms can show up in different aspects of people’s lives, such as the following:

Cognitive (how someone is thinking)
Behavioral (how someone is acting)
Affective/emotional (how someone is feeling)
Social (how someone is relating with other people in their life)

Similar to the graphic above depicting dimensions of mental health, below is another image I’ve adapted from past courses to show common elements of mental health disorders:

I could talk about this topic for days, but I’ll start wrapping up this post here with a few final thoughts on defining mental health:

Thriving in the area of our mental health is about more than just having an absence of symptoms. In fact, we can experience mental health even if and when we have mental health symptoms when we learn to cope with them in ways that work for us.
It’s helpful to keep a positive, comprehensive view of mental health in mind and not just focus on mental health in relation to symptoms and disorders.
Experiencing fluctuations in our mental health is normal! I had a graduate school professor who taught me an important life lesson when he said, “You’re not human if you don’t have a bad day from time to time.” This was such an important message I needed to hear at the time (over 20 years ago) and that I still remember often today. Being mentally healthy doesn’t mean we feel happiness and joy 100% of the time. Life can be tough, and we can navigate difficult situations and emotions by caring for our mental well-being, even when we don’t feel great.
It’s important for every person to know how to connect with mental health resources, especially crisis resources that are available to provide 24/7 support. For example, the 9-8-8 Lifeline is an important number for everyone to know about in case we or someone we know ever needs immediate help. Visit our Other Resources page for other mental health-related resources.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on how you’d define “mental health.” Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below or send me a message to share other mental health resources that have been useful for informing your own understanding of mental health.

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You Can’t Make the Shots You Don’t Take

How to Process Fears When You’re Starting Something New

What if…Something Amazing Is About to Happen? Challenging Negativity Bias and Believing in the Possibilities

What is Mental Health Anyway?

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