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By Christine Murray
Wouldn't it be nice if we had a crystal ball that gave us all the answers to alleviate any feelings of fear or uncertainty when starting a new chapter in life, relationships, or work? Oftentimes, when we're beginning a new phase, we can get overwhelmed by the uncertainties and the things we wish we knew but don't. It's natural to feel scared when we don't have all the answers as we step into something new. In reality, it's more common not to have all the answers than it is to have enough information to feel completely assured, stable, and certain as we take those next steps forward. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a planner. I love to create detailed plans based on facts, figures, and information. This summer, I had the opportunity to take a few exciting trips with my family. Leading up to those trips, I spent a lot of time googling things to do at our destination, what to pack, information about our accommodations, and details about local activities and customs. All the information I gathered was so helpful. It made me feel as prepared as possible, especially going into new or unknown situations. It helped us plan, pack, and map out our schedule for each day to make the most of our adventures and opportunities. Planning is great, but even in the best of circumstances, there are always unknowns. For example, I might know what time my transportation is supposed to pick me up, but what if it's late? I might know what to pack, but what if something unexpected happens? What if we arrived at our hotel and the room we reserved wasn't available? Having answers, information, and advanced plans can be reassuring, but life's uncertainties and unpredictability still pop up. Even when we can do some planning, we often have to be prepared for the unexpected and acknowledge that there will be surprises along the way. Starting new chapters and making big life changes is the same. Sometimes, realizing how much we don't know can prevent us from taking a leap. For instance, if you're unhappy at work and want to explore a different career path, the uncertainty of how it will feel, what steps to take, and how successful you might be can make staying in an uncomfortable situation seem safer. The comfort of familiarity can outweigh the risk and fear of moving forward with partial information. Embracing uncertainty and unanswered questions as natural parts of making life changes can help us move into these experiences with a positive and balanced perspective. Expecting uncertainty and preparing to navigate it helps us feel confident moving ahead into the changes we want to see in life, even if we don't know exactly how things will turn out. If we can truly embrace this uncertainty and the adventure it brings, we can make the most of opportunities for growth, development, and even our enjoyment of life. Think about it: If you knew exactly how every moment of every day, week, and step on your journey would go, it might feel comfortable and predictable, but also kind of boring, wouldn't it? Surprises in life can be difficult and scary. Some of them do turn out badly and lead to outcomes we're not happy about. Yet, at the same time, unexpected developments, opportunities, pathways, and even life lessons from challenging experiences add to the beauty of fully experiencing our lives. When we're on the brink of new changes, it can be tempting to wish away feelings of uncertainty, lack of clarity, and the overall sense of challenge that comes from not having all the answers. Accepting that uncertainty is part of the process and even embracing some of the adventures it brings doesn't eliminate stress and discomfort. However, it helps us see that we're on a normal, natural part of the human experience—growing, evolving, and changing through different seasons of life. If you find yourself facing uncertainty as you look ahead to life changes you'd like to make, honor the feelings that come up as you explore that uncertainty. Consider perspectives that help you move forward and don't keep you from pursuing the changes you want in your life. When we accept that uncertainty is a given, we can approach new beginnings with an open heart and mind, ready to learn, adapt, and grow. Remember, you don't need all the answers to start; You just need the courage to take the first step.
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By Christine Murray
A lot of personal growth and development often comes along with making big life changes. We enter into some of this personal growth voluntarily and enthusiastically, while at other times, we find we need to grow because we’re facing unexpected challenges that we realize we may need to change to be able to navigate effectively. When we’re in the midst of seasons that require a lot of personal growth, it’s natural to focus on continuing to find opportunities to learn, improve, build new skills, and gain deeper levels of personal insight. Personal growth seasons can be exciting, but they also can be very tiring and even frustrating, especially when we don’t take steps to balance our growth with heavy doses of self-acceptance, just as we are. Self-acceptance provides a solid foundation when we are pursuing personal development goals. Self-acceptance might look like using positive self-talk, practicing self-compassion, focusing on your strengths more than any perceived weaknesses, and surrounding yourself with people who support you just the way you are as they cheer you along toward your goals. Always remember that even when you have areas in which you’re growing, you are already perfectly awesome just the way you are. Remembering your strengths can help build your confidence as you pursue your goals. Self-acceptance helps us practice patience during prolonged changes. Personal growth can be a slow and complicated process, so it’s wise to practice self-acceptance along the way. Balancing personal development with self-acceptance might feel contradictory at times. You may wonder: How can I accept myself if I recognize there are parts of me that I want or need to change to fully step into the life I’m creating? One way to find this balance is by remembering that life–and all of the big changes it contains–is an evolving journey that unfolds over time. Change is a natural part of life, so learning and growing from one season to the next doesn’t mean there was anything wrong with you before. Instead, it means that you’re naturally evolving as you move through different stages of your life journey. As you move forward toward the changes and goals you’re pursuing now, remember to practice self-acceptance alongside any steps you’re taking toward personal growth and development. Be gentle and kind toward yourself along the way, and remember that others are on this same journey as well. Connect with other like-minded people to offer each other support and encouragement as you seek to find a positive balance between accepting yourself as you are right now, while also moving forward toward growth and change.  By Christine Murray
Transitioning into new chapters of life often brings a mix of emotions, including excitement for what's to come and nostalgia and sadness for what's being left behind. It's natural to experience grief, even when the change is positive or necessary. Today’s Start Here blog post explores the complexities of grief during life transitions and offers insights on how to care for yourself as you’re navigating the grieving process as you’re starting a new chapter and leaving another one behind. It might feel confusing if grief comes up during changes in life, especially if we’re happily moving into a new season in life or are glad to be leaving the last chapter behind. Sometimes, grieving for our last or current chapter can lead us to question if we’re making the right decisions to pursue a change. However, it’s natural for grief-related feelings to arise even if you were unhappy in your last chapter and are ready to leave it behind, as well as if you’re thrilled to be starting your next chapter and are looking forward to exciting changes ahead. There are at least two reasons why we may find ourselves grieving our prior chapter when we’re moving into the next one: First, we might be grieving the parts of the previous chapter that were positive for us. For example, you may have been unhappy with your last job, but perhaps you really valued the relationships you had with a few really close, positive coworkers, and you’re sad you’ll be less closely connected with them when you move into your next role. And second, even if we have very few parts of the last chapter that we’re sad to be leaving behind, we might be grieving the overall comfort and familiarity of our past as we step into the uncertainty of the unknown future. Sometimes, we may even have held onto the last chapter for longer than we would have liked because we were afraid to leave the familiarity of our current situation. A helpful concept to better understand the grieving that can come along with new changes in life is what’s known as ambivalent loss. Here's a definition of ambivalent loss from the Mayo Clinic: “Ambiguous loss is a person's profound sense of loss and sadness that is not associated with a death of a loved one. It can be a loss of emotional connection when a person's physical presence remains, or when that emotional connection remains but a physical connection is lost. Often, there isn't a sense of closure.” Ambivalent losses can be challenging to navigate due to the mixed feelings and conflicting emotions that arise related to the changes we’re facing. Acknowledging and processing grief is important for emotional well-being during transitions and the start of new chapters in life. Allow yourself to feel and process your emotions. Create space and time for reflection, journaling, or seeking support from trusted individuals or mental health professionals. Understanding that grief is a natural response creates space for us to to practice self-compassion as we patiently navigate the complicated emotions that can arise. Embracing healthy coping mechanisms and connecting with others who've navigated similar transitions can provide valuable support and insights. Remember, honoring feelings of grief for the people, experiences, and things we may be leaving behind is important for processing the full emotional experiences that can come along with big changes in life. Note: Please visit our Other Resources Page for information on connecting with counseling services for added support while navigating through the grief that can come along with big changes in life.  By Christine Murray
A couple weeks ago, I wrote a Start Here blog post about my experience running the Pittsburgh Back Half Marathon in May, and that post focused on how important it is to find and focus on our cheerleaders in races and life. In today’s post, I’ll share some other insights I learned through my experiences with that race, but today I’ll focus more on the training that led up to the race than the actual race itself. The overall lesson reinforced for me during this training process was how important it is to do what’s right for us at any given moment. Let me explain… Run Your Own Race… First, the fact that I did a half marathon in Pittsburgh is significant because I originally signed up to do the full Pittsburgh Marathon this year. Doing the full marathon was really, really important to me because I’ve tried to do the full marathon in Pittsburgh twice before. Both times, I ended up having to do it virtually from North Carolina. (In 2020, the whole race was moved to virtual because of the pandemic, and then in 2022, I got COVID a few days before the race so I had to personally do the race virtually for that reason.) So, doing the full marathon in my beloved hometown of Pittsburgh has eluded me for several years, and initially, I was intent that 2024 would be my year! I registered for the full marathon soon after registration opened, and I started my official training program in early January to prepare for the race in May. I was able to get the miles in my training program done through about mid-March, but I realized that I was not feeling great during and after my training sessions. I was tired and moving so slowly that I didn’t think I’d be able to finish the full marathon in the 7-hour time limit. Life was happening at a fast pace–between my big career change, parenting, and everything else–and it was making it hard for me to train to the extent I’d need to feel good about doing the full marathon. And so, in the middle of March, I made the difficult decision to drop down to the half marathon and stop training for the full. As much as I was disappointed to make this change, I also felt relieved and knew it was the right move to make. My race this year just wasn’t meant to be a full 26.2 miles! At Your Own Pace To add to my original plan to do the full marathon, I also originally planned to walk the full 26.2 miles. I used to be an avid runner, but as I’ve gotten older, my body hasn’t felt great with running, so I’ve taken more to walking almost exclusively in the past couple of years. So, I was training to walk the Pittsburgh Marathon, and part of my mental preparation was to be okay with knowing I’d be moving a lot slower than most of the other racers out on the course. As a former runner, I knew that I’d have moments of wishing I was running and going faster than walking would allow. Since I’ve changed from mostly running to mostly walking, I’ve had to be intentional about feeling okay with going at a slower pace than I used to move. This shift hasn’t been easy at times, but as I trained for walking the Pittsburgh Marathon, I continued to remind myself that I just needed to go the pace that felt right for me. Even when I shifted to doing the half marathon, I still planned to walk the race. I walked during almost all of my training sessions. And up to the morning of the race, I was prepared to walk the back half of that course and feel at peace when runners passed me by. But a funny thing happened once the horn blew to announce the start of the race. I decided I’d jog for just a little bit at the start of the course so I could get out of the initial crowd and take advantage of the flattish sections of the course. Much to my surprise, even though I hadn’t jogged at all during my training, my body felt great at the jogging pace. So, I decided at least at the beginning of the 13.1 miles, I’d alternate between a couple minutes of jogging and a couple of minutes of walking and see how it goes. As the miles went on, I found that I continued to feel good jogging, so eventually, I ended up jogging almost the whole way during the latter miles of the course. By the time I crossed the finish line, I was amazed that I was able to run (and not walk) most of the race. My legs would be quite sore for the next several days after the race, but overall, I felt great and was happily surprised that they let me go at a much faster pace than I’d anticipated. Finish Line Reflections To make a long story short, my original plan for the Pittsburgh Marathon was to do a longer race at a slower pace. But what really happened was that I did a shorter race at a faster pace! My experience both training for and competing in this race was a powerful reminder of the importance of running (or walking, or even crawling when needed) our own race at our own pace. All of this should be based on our current needs and experiences at any given moment. I was reminded that it’s not helpful to compare myself to others who might be able to go further or faster than me. Not only that, but I need to avoid comparing myself to, well, myself. My past or future self might have a very different experience with a similar race, but what was most important was for me to take care of myself and do what I needed to at that time. Any time we’re starting or continuing on our various paths in life, it’s important to honor our needs and experiences in the moment, as well as to be gentle and patient with ourselves along the way!  By Christine Murray
Last week in the Start Here Blog, I talked about the importance of having cheerleaders in our corner as we face life’s challenges. Just as having cheerleaders along a race course can uplift and motivate us during a race, having a personal “Board of Advisors” can offer another valuable source of support in our journey through life's challenges and opportunities. While cheerleaders encourage and uplift our spirits, our advisors and mentors can offer ongoing, practical guidance and insights across a broader range of topics. They serve as trusted allies who offer unique perspectives, expertise, and constructive feedback to help us process complex decisions and emotions effectively. This is why so many businesses and nonprofits have formal advisory boards to offer guidance and input into big and small decisions. Together, both cheerleaders and advisors can offer a well-rounded support system that empowers us to thrive in all aspects of life, especially amidst big changes in life or at work. In my own life, I’ve tried to make a habit of seeking out guidance whenever I’m making big decisions, and my advisors and mentors have helped me a lot. Sometimes, they tell me things I don’t necessarily want to hear, but I’ve found that perspectives and guidance that challenge me are very helpful, even when it’s uncomfortable to hear. When setting out on new changes in life, a reliable support system can make all the difference. Instead of facing challenges alone, consider creating your own personal Board of Advisors (or whatever name for this group of people resonates with you, such as your Personal Support Team, your Sounding Board, or your Mentoring Team). Whatever you call this team of trusted individuals, they can serve as a valuable resource to help you navigate emotions and decisions as you venture into new experiences you haven’t faced before. Your personal Board of Advisors doesn’t necessarily have to be a formal group that meets regularly. Instead, think of it as a network of supportive voices that you can turn to for guidance and encouragement when needed. Here are some steps to build your personal advisory team:
Building a solid network of advisors, mentors, and guides helps you have access to a diverse range of perspectives and expertise to draw upon as you face new challenges and opportunities. Seek out supporters and advisors who have your best interests at heart, and remain open-minded toward the insights and guidance they have to offer you! |
AuthorThis blog is written by Christine E. Murray, Ph.D., Founder of Start Here Counseling & Consulting, PLLC. Archives
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Unauthorized use and/or duplication of any material found at this web-site without express and written permission from this site’s owner is strictly prohibited. Unless or until a counselor/client relationship is established in writing, please note that the website for Start Here Counseling & Consulting, PLLC, is not a resource for providing personalized advice or guidance for any individual or organization, either through this website or any associated communication challenges that include but are not limited to social media, emails, or direct messages. Start Here Counseling & Consulting, PLLC, also is not a crisis response resource. Please visit our Other Resource page for additional information, including 24/7 support resources related to domestic violence and mental health.
Logo design: Eva Vienna Creative
Brand photography: Toni Walker Photography
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of any material found at this web-site without express and written permission from this site’s owner is strictly prohibited. Unless or until a counselor/client relationship is established in writing, please note that the website for Start Here Counseling & Consulting, PLLC, is not a resource for providing personalized advice or guidance for any individual or organization, either through this website or any associated communication challenges that include but are not limited to social media, emails, or direct messages. Start Here Counseling & Consulting, PLLC, also is not a crisis response resource. Please visit our Other Resource page for additional information, including 24/7 support resources related to domestic violence and mental health.